Jagex Dibbled by Dobblers

Jagex 0 - 6 The Dobblers

Fardell (GK), Walther, Gaz, Balls, Crick, Sweatman, Coles, Scottish Dave, Harris, Danno, Lovell,

Subs - Hope

Did Not Turn Up - Murby (Outrageous)

Things got better this week, only marginally mind, since we managed to improve from a 9-0 drubbing to only lose by the far more respectable score of 6-0. Who knows, at this rate, we might only lose by 3 goals next week

This week we played at Chesterton Community College. This lovely establishment engages in a number of dubious practices.

- Firstly, it throws every team into the same changing room, a changing room that is not really big enough for one team. Male changing rooms are fragrant environments at the best of times, but if you add 25-30 men into a confined space it's more like some sort of experiment in biological warfare than an area fit for human habitation.

- Secondly, Chesterton Village college has located the changing rooms in a different postcode to the pitches, meaning a fairly lengthy trudge from changing room to ground, across a main road no less.

- Finally, the pitch quality is pretty poor. We aren't accustomed to playing on finely manicured croquet lawns, but generally we expect more than a couple of dozen blades of grass to be contained within the playing area of your average 11-a-side pitch. We also expect the goalframe to be fully assembled. In this case, one of the stanchions was not attached, and the bolts were scattered nearby. There was even an open drain within the confines of the outfield. I suspect even crack addicts desperate to shoot up would turn their nose up at this quality of open space.

The weather was really rather cold, leaving a frozen field, more suited to viking raids than football. I won't try and pin the weather on Chesterton Community College, not this week anyway. I'm sad to say that the length of the introduction before I mention any actual football is indicative of what was actually entertaining on the day: much of the football most certainly wasn't, at least from our perspective.

As we were just about to start, Lovell and Crick engaged in a first: a pre-match fallout. Come on chaps, save it for half time at least. We lined up with a different team from last week, as we had lost Manu, Piers is still missing presumed dead, Ryan may have been hanging out in Norwich, and some other regulars weren't available. This week's villain was Murby for not managing to attend, crying off quite late.

We started badly, coming under some early pressure from kick-off and didn't really exert any hold on the ball. Fardell had some amusing moments, racing off his line badly and also popping one behind for a corner, which in all truth he didn't really know much about. He was then forced into a heavy challenge with his own defender, Balls, coming off with a rather misshapen knee.

Crick was slotting in alongside Balls trying to play from the back. Danno saw a little of the ball on the left and, after some neat interchanges with Scottish Craig, fashioned a few half chances. Pete looked sadly isolated up-front and everyone was deathly quiet, just absorbing pressure and hoping for the best. Walther managed one nice push forward, exchanging a pass with Sweatman - he of the extremely gammy toe, but none of it came to anything other than attack after attack from the Dobblers.

Then they scored. A hopeful punt was brought down and lashed hard towards goal. It was quite close to Fardell, but he parried it straight back out into the path of an onrushing striker to easily tap home. 1-0 - and my teflon coated gloves clearly need replacing. Balls carried on working hard winning balls in the air, but it was very much one-way traffic. Harris was being forced to help out more and more, even in this early stage of the game, to try and give the defence some semblance of cover. Sadly it was soon 2-0, as the defence backed off an advancing striker. He let rip, the ball was deflected by Walther's shoulder, leaving Fardell diving at thin air.

The third was rather unfair. A spot of good defending from Gaz and Walther had seen the ball out for a goalkick. The ref thought it was a corner, and rather unsportingly, the Dobblers didn't correct him and only chuckled at their good fortune. One of their chaps rose highest to nod home an easy chance. The Dobblers had their tails up at this point, and one player let fly from range with an absolute screamer. Fardell had no hope, but in an effort to make the goal look good, he dived theatrically. Thankfully the ball cannoned back off the post.

Jagex were really struggling to cope with several Dobblers players, including a Usain Bolt/Theo Walcott hybrid down the right. He could best be described as quick with a poor touch, and he repeatedly got himself into loads of good positions but then didn't really know what to do once there. Even when he fluffed it up he was enjoying himself. Jagex were camped in their half, Lovell was seeing nothing of the ball, and Sweatman had gone off early to allow the return of the Hope; a bit like return of the mac, but shorter, more white, and less prone to criminality.

Being overrun in midfield, Dobblers were taking any opportunity to shoot, and Jagex were backing off repeatedly. One player advanced, let fly with another screamer, and again Fardell dived just to make it look good, as it nestled in the net behind him. Briefly Jagex saw a bit more of the ball, after a re-jig in formation saw Walther helping out more in the centre of the park. Fardell then actually made a save, pushing one wide. As Jages exerted more pressure, it turned out that at the back, the Dobblers defence had yet to awake from their slumber. After some good play from Danno and Scottish Craig, and some fortune, Jacob found himself clean through. Sadly he could only tamely send the ball in the direction of their keeper.

Just before half time, Dobblers made it 5-0, when the Usain Bolt chap outstripped Hope for pace, and slotted home. Half time -5-0 again. # sad face.

The second half started in much the same way as the first, and Dobblers quickly found themselves 6 up. Some neat play around the box fell to a forward around the penalty spot, who slotted home. Then something strange happened, Jagex finally woke up and decided to play a bit more. Hope helped start a couple of attacks. Balls strode forward menacingly more than once. Also, our very own twinkle toed giant, Harris, decided to get out his dancing shoes and show a couple of us that he may have good feet for a big man. Clean cut chances weren't really on the cards, but we forced a couple of corners, once of which was delivered impeccably by Danno, and goodness knows how it didn't go in. Lovell at the back, and a midfield trio of Walther, Harris and Gaz had added some bulk and physicality to the midfield, and some "MINE" to every ball in the air - Pete...

Even Fardell got in on the act, using his slowly expanding busted knee to stop two one-on-ones, and his hands(!) to punch away a free kick. There was still time for Jagex to turn off badly, allowing the pacy fella to dance past 6 half hearted challenges. Clearly in a state of shock, he fluffed his chance.

Late on, Crick absolutely murdered a solid challenge, Warlord style, in one memorable moment from the second half, stopping a certain through ball. A final amusing spell saw Danno, clearly wanting to come off, absolutely belting a ball in the air clear first time, which happened to finish in a goal on the wrong field. Sweatman then came on to use all 9 of his good toes for the last little spell.

And that, was the end, of that. In 2013, we're getting better. We're just not any good yet.

Sadly, since this blog was begun, there hasn't been much of cheer to write about. Next weekend is Pete's Birthday Bonanza (TM), with friendlies on Saturday, followed by beers in the evening and a slightly hungover game on the Sunday. If you happen to be out in Cambridge on Saturday night and a group of large, obnoxious men happen to annoy you, sorry, that's us.