Jagex Stamp on Welcome Mat

Wellcome 1- 4 Jagex

Fardell, Carl, Adam, Lovell, Murby, Winfield, Josh, Jay, Alex the Beast, Millard, Matt Parish, Adam Ryman, Sweatman

Jagex were able to secure a win against the formerly mighty Wellcome on a cold and windswept day at the field which is located in the vicinity of, but not at Chesterton Sports Centre (meaning you change in one building, then go on a ten minute hike, crossing a main road, to find the pitch). This week we had the pleasure of welcoming Ryan Winfield’s mates down from the Leeds area – who had all been down to visit him and had availed themselves of a few ales and some good local Cambridge cheer the night before. We also had a debut for Matt Parish and welcomed Andrew Millard and his incredible Movember Tache into the team – a tache so manly, it makes Chuck Norris quake in fear.

Early exchanges were dominated by Matt Parish, who settled into his role in midfield well, and looked a bit like a defensive minded Piers Morgan – minus the bouncy blonde hair. Sweatman also made himself known on the wings, interchanging nicely on one occasion with Adam Ryman. We had a classic hard men centre back pairing this week -with Pete Lovell and Murby at the back together, generally being great lumbering viking style oafs, terrifying the opposition into not challenging too much for anything.

Carl settled in at right back and helped run some early exchanges down the right, combining well with Adam Ryman to set up an early chance. Josh saw little of the ball early on, and looked initially isolated up front before a re-jig. Welcome never dominated, but were always competing in the early stages. One of my abiding memories of the early exchanges recalls Winfield going on one of his typical surging runs  – where he looks not entirely in control of the ball, or his legs, but still manages to keep moving in a forward direction and make something happen.

Murby went down under a challenge early in the first half, and was unfortunately out for the remainder of the game. Millard settled into the back line in his place and did a commendable job - with the master taking over from the apprentice (i.e. he's Jason's boss during the day).

Play was fairly even, until Jagex scored with a magnificent piece of combined play. The ball was pinged out right from deep, fed into the channel and Matt Parish skinned his man, lifted his head (if only Theo Walcott could learn to do this) and pulled it back to Josh, who volleyed in with a lovely strike that left the short, pudgy keeper about as much chance as he has of snogging Angelina Jolie.

Welcome woke a bit and put a bit more play together. Peter Lovell was trying to sit deep to cut out any chances, and was making himself felt in the air. Fardell made a punch from a corner - it wasn't that good, but I don't do it much. The Jagex second goal was a cracking piece of individual play from Adam Ryman, who surged forward, and eventually slotted the ball home cleanly. I didn't see it myself, but I'm told it involved some awesomeness, amazing play and cracking control that wouldn't look out of place in a game that Chris Kamara would be commentating on

Then we had some subs and a few Northerners came on and made a nuisance of themselves. This was a very good thing for the balance of play. Jay settled into a midfield/forward role, and saw a fair bit of the early play. 

Alex came on, and I'll be honest, he was a bit of a beast, "legally" using his shoulders and chest to hold off, damage or otherwise intimidate players. One chap had the temerity to dive in the box to try and win a penalty, including a little pirouette for good measure, a stifled scream, and a gesture towards the referee. As. He. Fell.

Alex was not amused, and said something along the lines of "get up, who do you think you are, Luiz Suarez" - which even had this chaps' teammates laughing.

Second half started, Jagex kept their shape despite moving a lot of their players around. Matt Parish was still dominating proceedings in the centre, adding a bit of steel and a spine to an occasionally weak Jagex midfield. He exchanged play particularly well with Jay, causing some fair trouble and putting the ball playing Welcome centre backs under pressure. Sweatman moved up front for a bit in something of a free role and helped link attacks nicely.

The back line changed a few times during this period, with Winfield moving out left and another Northerner, Adam, taking the centre back role. Adam was brilliant alongside Pete, showing full blooded commitment to win anything in the air, but also moving the ball out from the back ably, to help create attacks right from the back.

Winfield was still doing some stuff, but I'll be honest, at this stage we were all thinking who were these crazy Northerners and what jobs at Jagex could we get them? Consultant QA? Facilities? Hell, they can work in legal if they commit to play like this every Sunday. 

Welcome finally saw a bit of the ball, and from this, their only goal of the game came. A Welcome player, who may have acted a bit like Luis Suarez, handled the ball in the box, using his hand to beach-volleyball it it back to a player on the 6 yard line, who headed in, past a despairing dive from Fardell. Cue a little bit more Welcome pressure, which was finally relieved when Fardell barrelled out to clear one, Mignolet style, almost taking out Pete and the opposition player in the process. I don't normally come off my line, let alone straight into the two biggest players on the pitch.

Jagex then put the game beyond doubt with a 3rd. Josh exchanged with Jay, received the ball back and made a jinking little run before he was tripped. He took the honours, and gently slotted home to the keeper's right.

The final goal was another great individual effort, which saw the Northerners combine. Alex steamrollered out from deep, barreled his way past two players and then carefully picked out one of his Northerner chums, Jay, who had a simple tap in.

And that, gents, was that. We're very grateful to Winfield and his chums for giving us a decent number of players, Matt Parish made a cracking debut and Josh has settled into the team nicely. There were a few sore heads again - which is becoming something of a recurring theme. Roll on the Christmas fixtures.

Jagex Cramped by Cosmos

Jagex 1 - 4 Cambridge Cosmos Thirds

I'm writing this match report after the fact, and can't recall a great deal about this game - so sorry. Some weeks I'll write lots, some weeks not so much. This is one of the latter weeks.

We had some chaps in from Fulbourn to help us out, as otherwise we wouldn't have got a team together at all.

Their first goal came from a Fardell/Lovell mixup, one of two on the day. Fardell came out when seeing Lovell under pressure, clattered the ball using his feet, and it spilled up to a Cosmos player to stroke into an empty net.

Soon Cosmos earned a corner, and Lovell rose magnificently in the 6 yard box, and used his cheek bone and eye socket to gently cushion the ball into his own net.

The second half saw the 3rd from some magnificent play from a Cosmos player. He picked the ball up on the right, skipped through 3 challenges, and curled it past Fardell, with Murby just not getting back in time. Their fourth was a penalty, from the same player no less, after a late challenge in the middle.

Jagex got a consolation late in the game, when someone called Jake unleashed from right to left, and the unsighted keeper didn't move.

Everyone was sad. No one went to the pub. The end.

No Game this Week

Several of our team are off in the US partying with games industry veterans, and the weather is a bit chilly, so no game this week.

Instead of a match report, here is a picture of Aaron Ramsey smiling - 

Doesn't he look happy.

Jagex Weather Melbourn Storm

Melbourn 1 - 3 Jagex

Fardell, Brooks, Balls, O'Neil, Winfield, Morgan, Scottish Dave, Lovell, Jon Hare, Usman, Adam, Murby, Some Guy Called Chris

First up, I'm really sorry. I spent the evening before this game dressed as Patrick Swayze, and had one too many Jaegarbombs - so a) I was late (having gone to the wrong ground); and b) my recollection is less than perfect.

This was also the weekend of the "worst storm ever", which disturbed one branch near my flat, and upset a cat on the corner near work. A new week brings new recruits, and we seem to have new employees every week, none of whom I recognise. As I was 10 minutes late, Brooks kindly donned the gloves whilst I found the ground. I also missed our first goal (which I'll give to Adam Ryman - I gather he did very well to score), and had to get dressed by the side of the pitch. Woe is me.

The early exchanges were characterised by periods of Jagex dominance, which fell to Pete, and Pete did his best to miss all opportunities presented to him. All I really saw in my first ten minutes were Winfield, Usman and Adam setting Pete up, and Pete missing it. He also got bundled over a bit.

The back four for Jagex this week was spot on, with O'Neil and Balls forming a formidable partnership in the centre, Murby put his hard earned muscles to good use at left back, and Scottish Dave used his tartan skills at right back. The whole first half didn't see any Jagex goal action, as the back four was as solid as Hadrian's wall, before it got really old and fell apart that is.

The midfield were generally holding their own, with Winfield playing anchor, and Usman and Piers taking on creative duties. We had a new winger this week, Chris I think, and he ran around and hit the ball to places. Piers did some stuff, as did Dave and Adam. Honestly, I was feeling rather ropey, so details are on the light side for the first half. We got in at 1-0 up, and people looked fine, apart from me.

The second half we were slightly more against the wind. The back four were still solid. A few changes saw Brooks and Hare get involved at the back. There were some marauding runs, by Piers, a cracking bit of play from Usman, and some excellent fight from Chris on the left.  Adam was also settling in nicely in the centre, and was supporting Piers on a few runs and jinky little interchanges. There were a few fouls, but it was generally an even tempered match.

The ref really should have gone to specsavers though, as he made some awful calls on who should get a goal kick/corner/throw-in. Winfield had been doing his Mathieu Flamini style little Corporal impression in the centre, winning tackles here and there. He was involved in a brief period of handbags with any opposition player after a spicy tackle, but generally keep his eye on the ball.

Piers eventually skipped down the right with ease, clipped the ball over the keeper, Usman did really well to flick it to the back post and Pete finally hit the target with a header. 2-0 to the Jagex. 

From the re-start, Melbourn exerted some more pressure on the ball, and eventually after some dilly-dallying on the edge of the box, Brooks couldn't quite out-muscle a Melbourn player. The player used the space to pull off a shot, and Fardell allowed it to go through the massive gap between his legs (Doh!). 

Heads briefly dropped, since the goalkeeping mistake was so bad that people must've thought that anything was going in (a bit like when Derek played in goal). We conceded a few corners and Lovell helped out manfully at the back. With their tails up, Melbourn managed to get a few shots away, but nothing particularly exciting. Scottish Dave tried to relieve the pressure on the right by playing out of defence.

One corner saw a wonderful sight, Fardell came out, shouted "keepers", and did his best dragon punch impression to clear the ball. The last time I came for a corner was in 2006.

After soaking up about 10 minutes of pressure, Jagex landed the killer blow. Usman laid off to Piers, Piers went on one of those runs, a masterclass in poise, balance and accuracy, he skipped past a whole host of Melbourn players and expertly slotted home. I'm not sure what we'd do without him.

It got a little windier at the end. Fardell punched another one clear from a corner (!), Lovell intercepted a few and the referee made some more atrocious errors in judgment. 3-1 the final result. Melbourn may have knocked us out of the cup, but we're a league team through and through.

Jagex Destroyed by Dobblers

Jagex 1 - 12 Dobblers.

I wasn't at this game - so here is what I got from the masses.

Derek Wise (a US citizen) played in goal for the first ever time in kickball. It was a debut to remember, as he conceded 9 goals in 30 action packed minutes.

I understand Pete had 13 players, but for some reason decided to start with 10 on the field and 3 substitutes.

He also decided to initiate Derek's debut in goal by winning the toss and choosing, deliberately, to play into the wind (which I understand was gale force) in the first half. Captain Fantastic.

Everyone was sad at the end. People were so sad, that they thought we had lost 13-1, when in fact the official record shows we only lost 12-1. So it wasn't all that bad.

And there you go.

Jagex Mugged by Melbourn

Jagex 0 - 1 Melbourn Sundays

Team - Fardell, Walther, O'Neill, Jens, Pickett, Winfield, Gaz, Shaun, Danno, Piers, Pete
Subs - Sam, Dominic, Scottish Dave

This was a game that should have been won, but was sadly lost, although credit to Melbourn for fighting right to the end in the first cup game Jagex has lost this season.

Early on it was all Jagex positivity, with one particular passage of play seeing a left to right ball picking out Ben, he exchanged nicely with Shaun, and forced a decent attack. Rolling subs were used liberally throughout the early stages, so it was hard to keep track.

Fardell demonstrated early on why he plays in goal - fluffing a clearance from a simple Daz backpass, before recovering well to tip the ball wide. Daz and Jens were dovetailing well, and helped push some attacks from the back, and Pickett, Winfield and Gaz combined to give Pete a free header in the six yard box. Pete gently cushioned this back to the opposition keeper, in a bit of a woopsie moment.

Winfield, Danno and Piers also interchanged well, in one attack that was blazed over the bar. Close to half time my abiding memories were of terrible chat - with two chaps talking about FTSE performance over the previous week and some cheeky bugger interjecting with "I don't know about Stocks and Shares, but I know a lot about footsie". Scottish Dave was rolling subbed off, and Daz shouted to him "are you off because you're injured or because you're s@&te". Charming.

The game was being played at a tempo, but was quite scrappy. Pickett made some lovely runs down the left, and a subtle interchange with Winfield that sent him free to cross was worth the price of admission on its own. Jens then secured a yellow, and a £10 fine, for doing a swear, the worst swear in the English language. I said the same word two minutes later, but I directed it at Pete, so the referee wasn't bothered. I also took some of my own goal kicks. Half time came.

Immediately after half time, Jagex went on a bit of a standard snooze. A big kick from one of their players saw Jens step up, miss it completely, and left Daz trying to cover 2 Melbourn players. It bounced kindly for one, and he lashed it in.

From the point at which they scored, until the end of the game, the opposition wined and whinged and moaned, content as they were to try and take time out of the game and get the 1-0 win. The oldest player for Melbourn, or indeed to play football anywhere in the land, spent a lot of time as a linesman waving his flag and showing off his manly white Hasselhoff chest rug. Please wear a shirt next time you go out in public chum - only Peter Andre can get away with that.

With about 20 minutes to go, Fardell turned a screamer round his left hand post. This sparked a period of Jagex possession, with Danno absolutely certain to score from a Gaz layoff at the end of it, when all of 8 yards out, but he saw his shot blocked by a miraculous last ditch defensive tackle.

One of the Melbourn chaps then had a shot from 60 yards. I was content to let it go until one of their players screamed "it's going in", so I scrambled back and caught it instead. Piers then blazed over from a corner, Sam beat the keeper and headed it just over, and Jagex had corner after corner after corner.

The ref was getting slightly miffed at the bad nature of the game and the language, but kept things under control. From one corner Pete rose well, got a firm header on it, but hit the crossbar.

Jagex were on top for much of the game, and really should have nicked one, but I don't remember their keeper making a tough save, as we squandered all the opportunities presented in a slightly odd game. Ah well, we don't like cup runs away.

Jagex Saddle Colts

Eternit Colts - 1 - 6 Jagex FC

Henniker Heaton (1), Dominic (2), Piers (1), Winfield (1), Spanish Dave (1)

Fardell, Pickett, Henniker-Heaton, Scottish Dave, Spanish Dave, Winfield, Brooks, Coles, Morgan, Lovell - Gaz (Late), Dominic (Also Late)

This week, we played against a team who seem to have a letter missing from their keyboard. Eternit isn't a word chaps, and if you meant it as a made up word, it's rubbish.

Late September also offered us the delights of playing away somewhere in the vicinity of Meldreth. Aside from being a bugger to find, and having no changing room (so we got dressed on the grass, whilst being eyed up by some old men - good thing I wore my Calvins), it also featured a sloping rock solid pitch that was covered in dandelions, grand canyon like fissures and weeds.

Sporting a new look team, Jagex were hopeful of putting in a decent performance. We had been very close to calling the game off until quite late on Friday, but thankfully Gaz, Dominic and Alex Pickett stepped in to give us a fighting chance of putting the fixture on, and indeed winning. Gaz still managed to be late, so we started with 10 men.

We started under the cosh a bit, with a slightly experimental 3 man back line. The defence of Pickett, Scottish Dave, and Jens worked hard, with some support from the centre of the park to stem the initial tide. Thankfully most of the initial efforts were long range and wayward, one went straight into Fardell's ample mid-riff, and Scottish Dave was on hand to murder any player foolish enough to try and skip through defence.

Gaz then turned up (I think we need to buy him a sat nav), Dom jumped on, and Spanish Dave took flag waving duties. This saw us revert to a 4-4-2 with Pickett and Brooks taking up the left and right back positions respectively. The team suddenly had better balance, and the early pressure let up. Some good work from Dom and Pickett on the left saw an early attack, skip across the face of the goal, but no one was on hand to poke home, although Coles made a valiant effort to try and get there. Winfield was winning challenges in the middle, and Piers was playing where he liked, left, right and middle - and tracking back when the mood took him. :-)

Up front, Pete was getting the rough house treatment from the centre backs, which seems to be his lot in life lately. He's not a man you would normally pick on. Eventually we won a corner, it was delivered from the right, and with four men trying to simultaneously mark/assault Pete - Jens was free to leap majestically and plant a header home.

With our tails up Jagex attacked effectively, with Dominic and Piers having the run of the play, with players switching position more regularly than normal to help confound their markers. Pickett was having a great game at left back, help driving the game forward from the back and play it out from goal kicks. Gaz was also helping anchor the midfield effectively with Winfield, giving us two decent ball winning centre midfielders, allowing other players freedom to roam. Pete was winning stuff in the air, despite the frequent beatings. 

After a wave of attacks, the ball broke to the right and fell to Dom. He skipped past the recovering defender and let fly, the ball hit the post, bounced up, and the spin took it over the line. 

There was time for Jagex to concede a free kick late in the half near the centre, the ball was chipped in, just over the defenders, and with Fardell statuesque, the ball was directed onto the crossbar and out. Half time 0-2 to the Jagex. Sadly there were no oranges or bananas, but Pete the General gave us a reasonable team talk.

The wind was against us in the second half, which meant a little more pressure. The game struggled to get back up the pace of the first half, and the shape was somewhat confusing for much of the first 10 minutes. Piers was basically annoying the opposition so much with his little skippy runs, blond hair and cheery demeanor that eventually one of them just booted him over, giving us a free kick 25 yards out. Piers curled it over the wall and straight at the keeper. The keeper then did his best Fardell impression, and shovelled the ball straight into his own net. I should mention at this point that the keeper was wearing some of those Edgar Davids/Daniel Vettori style glasses - although from the looks of his handling, he may have to check his prescription.

Eternit heads then dropped a bit. Some good challenges in the centre from Winfield, a handy little run from Coles and some overlapping from Brooks are all that I recall from this period. Pete was still trying his best to limp around, having hurt his ankle for the umpteenth time. Eternit were still taking their frustrations out on poor Pete. Jens was winning all the balls in the air at this point, as route one proved the only Eternit attack route. Scottish Dave was still supporting well, dovetailing nicely with Jens - one big, one quick.

Our fourth goal I believe came from Dom. The ball broke right, I think from Gaz, and the keeper came out but stopped. Dom then slotted it over his head and into the goal with a lob-cum-shot. Shortly thereafter, Spanish Dave took advantage of the keeper dawdling on the edge of his area, robbed him, rounded him and slotted into the empty net. The crushing nature of the scoreline was all too much for the Eternit Captain, who haired around into every challenge, crunching Jens and nearly poleaxing Alex Pickett, before taking himself off.

They eventually put some pressure back on the cards. Brooks did well on the right shut down a couple of attackers, and the midfield helped out repeatedly. 

The pressure saw a couple of corners conceded, each of which were either cleared or claimed by Fardell, one Jens clearing header missed his own goal by millimetres, and Fardell made his first genuine save of the season, plunging to his left to push the ball wide. Eventually the little bit of pressure showed, with Scottish Dave dispossessing one of their players with a slide tackle, the player then theatrically fell over some grass that was near Dave, and the ref pointed to the spot for a penalty, and then apologised.

The Eternit skipper sent Fardell the wrong way for a consolation. Shortly after the re-start, Piers went on one of those runs where he confounds everyone, found himself through and then sent an incredible reverse pass to Winfield, who poked past the keeper. This is possibly his first goal in forever, but despite this, the celebration was muted. Maybe the next time he scores there will be fireworks and dancing girls.

The game petered out, and Jagex ran out 6-1 winners. Special mention goes to Pete, who looked like a man who'd been turned out of vodka revolution on a Saturday night by the big angry bouncer (not the little friendly one). Piers played well, Dom had a great game, and Scottish Dave put in a good shift. However the real highlight was Fardell taking almost half his own goal kicks - surely the most amazing thing we've seen on a football pitch for many a year.

Jagex Humped by Harston

Jagex FC 1 - 4 Harston Sundays

I'll be honest, I'm not going to write much in this match report, as I felt thoroughly sad after this game. Personally, I had a shocker - 2 of the goals were directly my fault, and one I really should have done better on. Still clearly in cricket mode.

Harston were a beastly team, fitter, faster and generally hungrier than Jagex this week. My key memories include:

- The Harston Sundays ginger keeper, who his team helpfully called Ginge, being the angriest man on the planet. Every year we play these chaps he seems to get more and more upset at the world around him. I assume that he loves kittens and rainbows off the football pitch, partially because he manages to get rid of all his pent up anger and frustration on the pitch each Sunday.

- Piers scoring a cracking individual effort, skipping past a few of their players, before finishing adroitly with his left.

- Fardell - oh dear, where do I start, rooted to my line, missing two deflected shots that came within millimetres of my hands, or the real cracker catching the ball then dropping it onto their striker's foot 2 yards out.

- Daz O'Neil, our own angry man, putting in some hair raising challenges to help keep the score down.

- The terrible banter in the changing rooms, involving the merits of an evening watching Heartbeart and drinking warm (warm, not hot) cocoa versus the delights of spending an evening in the place. You can imagine which gets my vote.

- Pete making a nuisance of himself upfront.

- We still don't have any new kit. The old kit is holier than a nunnery and smells of cat pee.

Next week, it will get better - don't stop thinking about tomorrow.

Jagex Cross Zebras

Jagex FC 2 - 0 Free Press Zebras

I wasn't at this game, but in the interests of trying to keep this blog up-to-date I thought a brief post would be in order. If anyone has any comments or input they would like to add, I will happily spin these into a yarn the resembles a match report.

Jagex won the first game of the season on a probably windswept Coldham's Common to give ourselves the perfect start to the season. Free Press Zebras have proven a tricky beast to tackle in the past, so trepidation would be the most likely emotion at the outset.

From what I gather of my brethren who played on the day.

Ben Walther played in goal and was something of a Rock God - 

Jens Henniker Heaton played in defence and was something of a Swedish God -

Pete Lovell played and was a different sort of God altogether - 

A laboured joke, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.

Anyway, as I have no details on the game, that's all I have for now. Anyone is welcome to comment below or chip in with additional thoughts or details.

New Season, New Drama

So, with the cricket season over, and precious little to look forward to but deteriorating weather until Christmas, here it is, new football season, and new football blog.

Over the next 9-ish months we will attempt to chronicle the, quite simply incredible, number of games we fit into a football season. The trials, the tribulations, the excitement, the sadness, and hopefully some of the social life outside of the game...

Football is less civilised than cricket, so I will say, you have been warned.

Jagex FC - 2013/2014 season - Cambridge District and Friendly League - rock on...

Rangers take Jagex for a Ride, Again

Jagex 3 - 7 Long Road Rangers

Fardell (GK), Scottish Dave, Daz, Dan Crick, Pete Simmonds, Scott, Sweatman, Usman, Pete Lovell, Ash, Jamie Brooks - Subs - Danno, Simon Lait

The Jagex team this week turned up for the expected spanking bearing yet another unfamiliar lineup. Pete Lovell had scoured the highways and byways of Cambridgeshire, Suffolk and possibly Norfolk in an effort to bring a full XI to a pitch, and he wasn't going to disappoint, with several new faces appearing. My own journey to the game was somewhat impaired, when a few horses escaped a horsebox on the A14 and caused traffic chaos. In all seriousness, you couldn't make it up. I miss living in the city where this sort of thing doesn't happen. Ever.

Danno was late. We postulated that he might have got lost on his highly publicised (well, on Facebook) dog walk from Saturday am. When he eventually got to the pitch some 2 minutes before kick-off, he was told that the kit was in the changing room. Gutted. At least we had what seemed to be the first genuine day of spring on our hands, and the familiar environs of Coldhams Common. Ash, normally a Long Road regular, had volunteered to help us out, and started on the left.

As expected, Long Road started on top, and Jagex were forced to defend some early corners. Daz was in his familiar role as loudest man at the back, and was aided by Dan Crick and Scottish Dave, with Pete Simmonds cutting across to help from left back. A couple of corners came to nothing before Fardell made a bit of a hash of one from the right, pushing it back for another corner from the left. The resulting corner was somehow brought down casually by the long road ginger lad up front, before being welted in from all of 8 yards with no challenge or pressure from any Jagex players. This chap fancied himself for much of the game and would have had more goals, had he not spent so much time faffing about in an effort to execute the perfect turn and finish (which he did finally manage in the end).

Jagex could have wilted at this point, but didn't. Scott had to run off to allow Danno on, and the slight change in shape helped free up some space in the centre of the park. Sweatman on the right suffered one absolute full blooded challenge, which is something his silky skills occasionally results in, and stayed down for a bit. Danno then interchanged with Usman and Ash nicely, freeing the latter. Ash did some great work on the left before feeding it back to Usman, who in turn put Jim "The Predator" Sweatman through. He finished by smashing it into the ground and over the keeper, but was full on poleaxed for this trouble and stayed down for a good while to try and recover. 1-1.

The result of the first half was very much lots of  little tussles. Fardell punched one clear and made a good save for another. Daz was winning many headers at the back and was generally just making a loud nuisance of himself. There was some good tracking back from Danno, Jamie Brooks and Simon Lait. Pete Simmonds was having a cracking game at left back and was helping drive some of the limited Jagex attacks down the left, working with Ash. Pete was being a pain, as ever, winning balls in the air and chipping them into corners for people to run onto. Dan Crick also made some vital interceptions. Pete even managed to get an attacking header of sorts directed over the goal. A Long Road player also hit an absolute scorcher from 25 yards, which skimmed the top of the bar.

Nothing really came off for Jagex, and Long Road came more and more into the game. Eventually the ginger terror broke through in the center of the area and was fouled at least twice, both being penalty worthy. The Rangers' player stepped up to finish the penalty smartly into the bottom corner. Half time saw no argument between Pete Lovell and Dan Crick - a new one on me.

The second half saw Ash reverting to play for Long Road, and whilst he hadn't been too shabby for us, he really started turning it on for them. We had our famous complete turn off after half time, literally willing Long Road to score from kick-off. After that we exerted a brief spell of dominance. The football on the left here was sumptuous, as Danno and Usman inter-played well before Pete Lovell hit a thunderbastard of a strike into the bottom corner. 2-2, very unexpected, and Long Road were rattled. Their manager shouted some expletives or some such to encourage them from the half-way line.

Simon Lait had some possession in the centre, and with the familiar wingers of Danno on the left and Sweatman on the right playing the ball in the vague direction of big Pete, things were looking up. A Rangers attack briefly resulted in some confusion as to whether it was a goal kick or a corner, with the ball having probably come off Daz. Rangers took it quickly and the ref didn't stop them. Sadly Jagex had switched off, and the ball came loose in the box before hitting Fardell (I knew, quite literally, nothing about this), and rebounding to a Rangers's player to poke in. Jagex felt a little hard done by, although Long Road are one of the more sporting teams in the division, so perhaps it was just a misunderstanding.

Jagex again came back into the game with a good interchange between Jamie Brooks and Danno, which saw the latter scarper free into the left corner. He delivered an absolute peach of a cross to the far stick where an unfortunate Rangers defender headed it home. 3-3 and three comebacks.

Jagex then held our own for much of the game until there were only 18 minutes to go. Pete Simmonds was having a great game in the centre, Jamie Brooks had slotted in well at left back and the ginger Rangers' lad had gone quiet. Dan Crick was even enjoying being a centre back.

Then disaster, followed by calamity, followed by horror. Jagex switched off a bit from a throw and a Rangers player galloped through. Fardell hesitated and stayed on this line, allowing the Rangers player to finish well. Three comebacks in one game was impressive, four was a bridge too far (top film). Almost straight from the kick-off, Rangers galloped down the left, freed a player and he turned the ball across the box to an unmarked Rangers player to slot home. 5-3 and it was pretty much all over barring the shouting, especially with 10 minutes to go.

At this point something very strange happened. The Ginger fella spent much of an attack commentating in real time, John Motson style, whilst also participating in it. I cannot impress upon you as to how odd this is to listen to, especially when he shifted between the first and the third person, like Tolstoy trying to emphasise personal perspective, "Rangers are running up the right, he skips past one, past two, he looks for the deadly striker... I'm here, I'm here.... but sadly his ball doesn't find it's mark and it's a Jagex goal kick...". Weirdo....

Fardell tried to make up for his earlier cement booted behaviour by making a couple of one-on-one stops and turning round a stinging effort, but it was already too late. He didn't help his cause by coming off his line, juggling the ball and throwing it back at Ash, who, not believing his luck, unselfishly squared it for another player to finish. 6-3. It really wasn't my best game... sorry lads.

There was still time for a late volley from Lovell that the keeper did well to tip over, some good play from Danno and Usman, and Jamie Brooks tried to restore some pride with a few hefty tackles at the back. The Ginger then finally, finally, executed his weird Cruyff turn thing and finished smartly from close range. 7-3. We all agreed to stop.

7-3 beats the 9-0 smashing they gave us in colder climes earlier this season, but it's almost worse when we were in with a sniff, and matching them man for man, for upwards of 70 minutes.

The final action, was on the walk back. Daz decided to go and remonstrate with the American Footballers as they were playing on his Gaelic Football pitch. As he got near, he realised that a rather attractive blonde was filming the weird American game, and so decided to be less aggressive and slightly more charming and inquisitive. For what reason, I shall not speculate.

Jagex Crush Cosmos

Jagex 3 - 1 Cambridge Cosmos Thirds

Team - Fardell (GK), Ben Walther, Gaz, Irish Darren, Scottish Dave, Danno, Gilly, Ryan Winfield, Glenn, Sweatman, Pete Lovell. Subs - Jacob Coles

Jagex continued their return to form with a scrappy doo of a 3-1 win over Cambridge Cosmos thirds. 

No Dan Crick this week, so pre-match "top bantz" was kept to a minimum. I did have a slightly odd chat with Darren pre-match where he referenced a previous match report and informed me that he is from the "Island of Ireland", so I had to get it right next time. Clearly a geography fan, that one. It was nice at least to return to the slightly grassier fields of Coldhams Common this week, after the horticultural horrors of the previous week.

Also, another week, another re-jigged team. We may well have one of the most varied squads in Cambridge, with some players turning up week in week out, some playing once in a blue moon, and some playing even less frequently than that. We are eternally searching for the new Piers Morgan, who was our stalwart play maker last season but has, sadly, caught a form of leg disease that is previously unknown to medical science. This week we even had new, improved, not-at-all-hungover Danno: rather than I-got-really-wrecked-last-night-lads Danno. They look deceptively similar in appearance, except one is slightly more green.

The first minutes of the game were incredible as Jagex took the lead almost right from the off. A quick Cosmos attack from kick-off ended up looping into Fardell's hands. He booted the ball down field where Glenn picked it up, muscled his way through and picked out Sweatman on his left. Sweatman, makes no mistakes when put clean through, and he dispatched the ball low to the keeper's left.

Slightly shell shocked, Cosmos struggled to exert any pressure on the ball. Gilly had traded his usual job refereeing for a role as play-maker in midfield, ably supported by Ryan and Glenn. Each took it in turns to start attacks with the others covering, and Jagex retainED control of the initial exchanges, with Danno and Sweatman offering overlapping options on both wings. Darren and Gaz slotted nicely into centre back, with one loud and one quite a bit quieter - although little troubled them early on. Walther found himself at his usual preferred position of right back and started a few attacks following exchanges with Sweatman or Glenn. Scottish Dave had been shunted to left back, but made early good use of his right footed abilities to free Danno on a couple of occasions with looping balls over the top. It was all Jagex.

Cosmos came into the game a little more after about 15 minutes, with one attacked falling fortuitously through for a one-on-one, which Fardell did well to smother. One of their players with a great bit giant mop of blonde hair, held back with a rather fetching elastic band, was a dominant force in midfield. In keeping with his chirpy nature, Darren christened him the dancing queen, and marked the hell out of him. Most of the Cosmos shots were poor efforts from distance, and they were struggling to probe or penetrate at all. 

The Jagex second came from a set piece. After we won a couple of decent corners, which were well delivered by Danno and Sweatman respectively, but cleared, the ball found itself out on the right. An interchange between Glenn and Sweatman saw the latter fouled. Walther was keen to take the set piece, but was ushered off the ball by Gilly. Darren chirped in, as ever, with a comment that suggested their keeper couldn't catch a cold. Gilly responded to this by placing a great high ball into the centre of the box, Lovell leapt like a gazelle evading a lion, and directed the ball into the goal using top of his noggin, giving the keeper no chance. 2-0 and barely 20 minutes gone.

Cosmos reacted well to going further down, fashioning a few more chances and some possession, although most of their efforts were long range hopeful punts rather than genuine decent chances. They got back into the game after a bit of a comedy moment from Fardell - again racing out of his goal but getting nowhere near the onrushing player on the right side. Gaz cleared for Fardell, but unfortunately the ball pinged about a bit and found it's way to a Cosmos player who let fly with a great shot that nestled in off the inside of the post. Buoyed by their goal the Cosmos players really stepped up their game. Jagex responded in kind, and the tempo really kicked up at this point, with both teams really pushing the accelerator peddle. Some neat attacks down the left from Dave and Danno were complemented by a few driving runs from Glenn and a great little move from Ryan. Sadly lots of the Jagex attacks ended up being over-hit down the middle, with the keeper claiming easily. Each time their keeper was asked to deal with a pass-back, Darren chirped in with "lift it keeps" despite being about 80 yards away. He always has something to say.

The high tempo lasted till half time, but it didn't result in many actual clean and clear chances. Shortly before half-time, I had a wonderful personal moment which I thought was worth sharing. A dog walker, who looked deceptively like David Bellamy, wandered past the back of my goal and said, very loudly in my direction, "I wouldn't want to be you". I'm not entirely sure which aspect of 'me' he wouldn't want to be - I'm hoping he just didn't fancy the look of being a very cold goalkeeper on Coldhams Common on a Sunday morning, rather than anything more personal.

Half-time, 2-1. The second half saw Sweatman come off and Jacob Coles come onto the right wing position. Jagex didn't completely switch off from the restart for the first time this season, and actually started the second half in ok fashion.  Jacob was fouled within minutes of coming on by a rough shoulder barge earning a free kick. Cosmos weren't happy with the referee and let it be known, even though he was their choice of referee. A point of note is that the referee was a dead ringer for Santa in almost every respect. In fact, I think we may well have discovered what Santa does in his off season.

Cosmos fashioned an early chance when a player skinned Dave down the Jagex left, made space and delivered. Walther did just enough to put the striker off, and he scuffed his shot, allowing Fardell to make the save. With their tails up, Cosmos won a few challenges and probed. Daz and Gaz both reacted well to the pressure, putting in some solid challenges and clearances. Fardell held onto a few crosses and through balls cleanly, and Jagex just spent time soaking up the pressure. Ben then had to leave the field of play for work. Ben Walther is a council employee that deals with residential issues and disturbances. This weekend was noisy cats apparently, so he toddled off, took a call and re-assured someone that the evil cats would be silenced. He gets paid £30 extra for his trouble at weekends. Not bad work if you can get it.

Sweatman came back on in place of Ben, and settled into a free role in the centre. Ryan pushed to right back for a bit and executed some of his trade mark heavy tackling. Jacob was seeing some action down the right, and helped earn a couple of corners. From one of these, for the second week running, the opposition started a full blooded attack through the middle. Fardell raced from his goal and judged the interception perfectly this time, smothering the ball with his chest just outside of the box. Cosmos had seen nothing really for all their pressure, and tempers frayed a bit amongst their players.

At this point, somehow, the ball ended up with Glenn in the box, I think it was via Danno or Gilly. He held on well to fashion a half chance, and after the ball pinged about in the box for a bit, it fell kindly to Jacob Coles at what we shall call the "Dirk Kuyt distance" of 1 yard from the line. He finished with aplomb, and that was more or less that. Cosmos earned a couple of free kicks from the re-start, both in dangerous positions, but the delivery was wanting in each instance.

There was still time for two curious occurrences. Gaz plays a lot of football, and he had to dash off before the end to deal with his other game of football for today. Two full lots of almost 90 minutes in one day! Another re-shuffled saw Gilly shifted to centre back, Walther came on at right back and Ryan pushed into midfield. Cosmos created one more chance of note, when, for the second week in a row, Fardell allowed the opposition to engage in the soccer am crossbar challenge, watching in statuesque fashion as a long range shot over everyone rebounded off the crossbar but away to safety.

So it ended 3-1 to Jagex. My final thought, Cambridge Cosmos is an odd, and probably slightly ambitious team name.

Harris Scores (a goal) in Tight Jagex Win

Eastern Counties 2 - 3 Jagex FC

Team - Fardell (GK), Walther, Daz, Henniker-Heaton, Crick, Danno, Simmonds, Harris, Balls, Scottish Dave, Lovell. Subs - Scottish Craig, Dave?

This week saw our first win in what seems like forever, in an away game against Eastern Counties FC in Meldreth. At 9am on match-day, Pete only had 9 players, having lost some to illness and family issues. Using his best guilt tripping skills he made some late calls, including to an invalid Fardell who turned up, chock full of cold and stuffed to the gills with the finest legal pharmaceuticals money can buy. Some of the team ended up on a road to nowhere struggling to find the recreation ground in Meldreth, which they seemed to believe was on the way to Stansted. I swear, without Sat Nav, some people are hopeless in the modern world. If there is an apocalypse, I doubt some of this team could figure out how to make fire, let alone re-create civilisation anew.

The pitch at Meldreth was so free of grass it looked as though it had been targeted by agent orange during the Vietnam war. Add to this that the groundsman had run out of white paint about halfway through de-marking the pitch and the swamp thing like conditions, well let's just say it was a bit ropey. Pre-match we did our best to lose our best balls, including one brand new shiny one that had never been used in anger. Well done, Pete.

Despite being the home team, the opposition managed to turn up incredibly late, and despite being late, insisted on going through a full pre-match warm up routine, including some Tai Chi style stretching. They were a combination of the more aged of Sunday leaguers, and those with youth and hair gel on their side, but no-one really in the middle.

Jagex started on the back foot, as we always seem to do, conceding some early pressure. A couple of minutes into the game though and a breakaway saw Jagex win their first corner. The ball was delivered by Danno, went a couple of inches past the statuesque Counties goalkeeper, and was buried into the net by Jens' forehead.

Jagex retained the ball reasonably well from there on in for much of the rest of the half. Harris, shaking off a hangover, actually played quite well in the centre of the park - this despite telling everyone on Facebook at 4am that he was still wasted. This week is officially his last game, and he will never ever play for us again. Ever. Apparently.  Until he happens to come back to Cambridge to play for us again in a few months' time.

Pete Simmonds, sporting an eternally unfashionable "el gringo" style moustache, was playing a mixed role of starting attacks quarter back style and also being required to defend repeatedly and heavily in many areas of the park, but he was manfully up to the task. Danno looked a little bit ropey on the left at the start - sorry Danno - as he was clearly trying to shake off the after effects of an evening at the venerable Lola Los . Scottish Dave was also being a useful outlet on the right, and is growing into the team nicely following his recent acquisition. If I knew his real name, I'd stop calling him Scottish Dave.

One of the dominating features of the first half, and indeed much of the game, was the general awfulness of the Eastern Counties' referee. He seemed to struggled to remember to blow his whistle when indicating decisions, generally struggled to keep up with play (or indeed watch play), and made a number of really odd decisions. One notable moment from the first half involved a Counties player taking a throw-in with a technique reminiscent of Lasith Malinga, and falling over in the process. This was a legal throw-in, apparently. The poor refereeing led to Jagex committing the immortal sin of not playing to the whistle, with Daz memorably completely stopping still when the ball went out of play in comic fashion, and Counties fashioning and wasting a chance in the process.

A Counties player launched a shot in from 25 yards at one point. Fardell, supremely confident of the size of his goal, allowed the ball to kiss his crossbar before coming back down into his waiting arms. It may have been a bit like this . Blushes spared?

It was nice to have Daz back, alongside Jens. Daz is Northern Irish and, well, let's just say he is very vocal. Jens and Daz both take a loud and agricultural approach to clearances, which is no bad thing. Counties exerted some pressure, with Dan Crick helping cut across and cover wonderfully in defence. A resulting Counties corner saw Fardell come and connect with a hilarious punch, only managing to gently pat the ball down to their onrushing striker, who was clearly so surprised by the course of events, he stepped over the ball. The punching got slightly better later on, honestly. Fardell was also going walkabout in his area a few times, in a strange effort to relieve pressure from his hitherto untroubled defence. In truth, Ben Walther has been on at me for weeks about, 'helping my defenders out' by tearing off my line more, so I followed this advice with suicidal effect a couple of times, and was repeatedly told to "get back in the f%^king goal". I don't feel I can win here....

Balls was playing in the unfamiliar role of central midfield, and released Danno with a perfectly weighted through ball. Danno found himself one-on-one with the Goliath of a keeper, but couldn't find a way through. In truth, the keeper did well. Our new sub, who had kindly volunteered to help out, I can't remember his name so I'll call him Dan, came on in place of Scottish Dave, for a couple of minutes towards the end of the half. Sadly they were a quite traumatic couple of minutes, as he had to go off again with a strained something-or-other, and never returned to the field of play. 

The final action of the first half saw a couple of Counties free kicks. One was stopped from going out by Walther and inadvertently played back to a Counties player. Ben recovered absolutely brilliantly to put a vital block in and send the ball careening away from goal. The other free kick was a comfortable routine save from Fardell, although "comfortable routine save" and "Fardell" don't often sit well in the same sentence.

I remember Lovell being a real nuisance, as he always is, on the right in the first half, but he was much more dominant in the second, so I'll skip his display for the moment in the interest of an attempt at brevity. So, half time, 1-0 to Jagex. This week we had Crick and Lovell in the same team, and you know what that means; terrible half-time banter. This week Crick had really upset the referee, Pete asked him to calm down, and then Dan and Pete went at it like two little boys arguing over whose turn it was to play PlayStation. It never gets old, and at the same time, it's incredibly dull and predictable.

The start of the second half saw Jagex, classically, switch off completely and concede possession to the opposition. Once we'd let them have a go of it, as we seem to feel we must, we won some possession back, and Balls and Danno won a corner. The ball hit the deck in their box, and did it's own little version of pinball wizard, but sadly didn't find the net. Counties came into the game a bit more after that, and only some good tracking and interceptions from Danno, Harris and Simmonds - who had a cracking defensive second half - prevented clear chances arising. A lofted ball to the back stick saw two Counties players and two Jagex players tussling for the ball. Both Counties players went down theatrically. Penalty awarded. I'll be honest, you've seen them given, as everyone was involved in a bit of a tangle, and there were few Jagex protests. From the resultant spot kick, Fardell dived the right way but didn't get near, as it was slotted to his left. 1-1. 

Jens and Daz had to really combine, helped out ably by Crick and Walther, to help stem a resurgent Counties tide at this point, as they really had their blood up for a period. Jagex then exerted some control, in search of the goal we felt we deserved. Very few chances were clear cut, with Danno and Balls both creating presentable chances, but the goalkeeper remained untroubled. Then the goal came.

Daz found himself out the right, and pumped a very high very hopeful ball into the box. For some reason the keeper let it bounce, and predictably it flew over his head. Lovell, steaming in as he always does, absolutely walloped it in for good measure, but it was already over the line. Lovell has been known to court attention in a selfish manner, and this attempted goal theft was classic Pete. One for the dubious goals committee, perhaps, but we're crediting Daz with this one.

Suddenly realising that the Counties' keeper was a bit of a Fardell, Jagex had a few more hopeful digs, although none of any quality. Pete made a real nuisance of himself on the right, and somehow held onto the ball and bounced and trundled his way past three much smaller Counties players to create one wasted chance. Scottish Dave was getting a fair bit of quite rough treatment on the right, probably for having the temerity to skin players and create chances. In search of a third, Jagex pushed on. Thereafter followed some immense tracking back from Danno, when a Jagex corner (usually a sign that, you know, we're on the front foot) somehow ended up in a 4 on 1 Counties attack. If he hadn't covered the 60 odd yards to get back, it would have been down to Fardell to save the day.

The fairytale ending of David Harris' Jagex career (in a football sense) then happened. Danno magically fashioned a lofted chip to Pete Lovell in the left corner. Pete showed quite brilliantly coordinated feet for a big chap, and dinked a splendid cross to the back post, where David "Currysnorter" Harris buried a header in the manner of Nicholas Bendtner. Pete Lovell even then gave him the opportunity to cherish this precious moment, by subbing him off for Scottish Craig, allowing him a moment to savour the applause of the assembled fans.

Shortly after this Craig and Simmonds combined to help put Balls clean through on goal. Balls sadly found the onrushing form of the keeper was so large it blotted out the goal, and most of the sun, so he was unable to see where to direct the ball. A couple of counties free kicks were earned and well cleared, with Fardell punching one well clear. Another corner saw the ball ping around in the box and a Counties player let rip with a bit of a thunder bastard of a half volley, which Fardell did well to hold onto. Craig helped create a few chances down the left. Danno had really helped out defensively, and had to come off after one too many kicks on the shins, to be replaced by Harris for the final stretch. 

Eastern Counties FC then brought on a substitute with a large bushy beard who looked slightly old. Daz, sensing that this chap wouldn't be the toughest to mark shouted out, "It's ok lads, I'll get Rolf Harris". In truth, if the guy had come on with a wobble board and and sung, "tie my kangaroo down sport", he would have had more of an impact on proceedings. However, he did get to witness the goal that heralded the arrival of squeaky bum time. Jagex tried about 10 times to clear a loose ball in the box, and a Counties player shot through Daz's legs, with the ball nestling in the corner.

At this we collapsed a bit, and some late faffing from various players saw us try and give Counties a point. Jens intercepted a few. Crick helped out well. Simmonds and Scottish Dave both had cracking defensive efforts late on in the second half, really helping out when we were backs against the wall. Even Lovell was seen defending, imagine that.The pressure was finally relieved by Walther absolutely tonking a clearance down the right to bring the final whistle. And so it ended.

Finally, a word of thanks to Kelly Walther Lovell for turning up and cheering us on. We may not have many fans, but the ones we do have are very welcome.