Jagex Rogered by Rangers

Jagex 0 - 9 Long Road Rangers

Jagex - Mark Fardell (GK), Ben Walther, Gareth Edwards, Wayne Minney, Dan Crick, Danno, James Whittaker, Dave Harris, Manu, James Sweatman, Peter Lovell

Did Not Turn Up - Arash Amini (tsk tsk)

Sadly the first post on this blog is not good news for Jagex FC. The augurs were not good as we arrived at Coldhams on a day which was notable for the dense fog which blanketed the entire common. Really dense fog. The sort that makes it hard to see the goal at the other end of the field. We were, in effect, playing football in Skyrim. Had a large dragon descended out of the skies and set fire to a nearby village, it wouldn't have been a massive surprise. Indeed it might have given us something fun to talk about after the game.

The new year saw the reintroduction of right winger James Sweatman, sporting a pair of very shiny, recently tumble dried boots. We also were able to welcome Wayne "Warlord" Minney at centre back after a 6 month absence owing to some injury or other, possibly a stubbed toe.

Long Road Rangers are something of a bogey team of ours, and indeed everyone else in our league. They had managed to go the entire season 2011/12 unbeaten, and were a cut above the rest, so we did expect something of a thrashing. Still, it would have been nice to have been able to see the opposition goal, even if we very rarely threatened it.

The game started at a fairly frenetic pace, with Jagex rather holding their own. Ben and James were combining well down the right, and James looking no worse, and possibly better, for his 5 month absence from the game. At left back we had the poor man's Cafu, Dan Crick, making some penetrating, marauding runs, and leaving the entire team to cover for him on one of his forays up front. Manu was lively and was helping hold up the ball well for Pete. The best chance fell to Danno, clipping a whipped free kick just over the goal from a foul.

Harris in the centre of the park was exerting real control over the game, displaying a previously unseen turn of pace to help push the ball into some good positions, on both the right and left. Pete was being his usual handful up front, being as he is, tall and difficult to mark. He also pinged one raking cross field ball to Sweatman, who did exceptionally well to skim past two players and pull out a cross, which sadly evaded everyone.

For the first 15-20 minutes Long Road hardly had a sniff in front of goal. Warlord and Gaz were tidy at the back, with Wayne putting in at least one of his trade mark "firm but fair" full blooded challenges on the edge of the box. We were competing, and indeed dominating in parts, but without really threatening.

Then something suddenly, and very abruptly, changed. Perhaps we all suddenly realised in some collective moment of subconscious clarity that, actually, we're not that good. Maybe the christmas turkey had been dislodged. Or maybe, 20 minutes was the extent of our fitness. Whatever happened, from this point forward it very much went pectorals up for Jagex, as the floodgates opened.

Their left winger skinned past Walther, made space, and pinged in a low cross which evaded Fardell and Warlord, and was easily tapped in. Shortly afterwards a corner was only half cleared, and a Rangers player was given 10 seconds or so, in our box, to bring the ball down and pick his spot. The Rangers third followed with a moment of joyous hilarity. Warlord raced out of defence and lost the ball. In an effort to recover, he tried a bicycle kick, but only managed to trouble thin air. The fortunate Rangers player found himself one on one, and snuck in a cheeky lob.

Jagex were completely at sea, and rocked. Fardell made a reasonable one-on-one save and Harris really worked hard to try and get his foot on the ball, along with Whittaker, tracking back, with Jagex camped on their 18 yard line. The same tricky left winger from earlier then scraped the byline and pinged a cross in. Fardell decided to palm the ball into the centre of the goal using his teflon coated gloves, to allow an easy finish. Rangers then scored a fifth (which I can't even remember), and half time came. It had been a pretty brutal turnaround. #Shellshocked.

Half time saw tempers frayed, with Lovell and Crick engaging in a verbal exchange that wouldn't have been out of place at a Women's Institute annual moaning contest. Fardell tried to calm things down and failed. Jim sucked on his inhaler.

With no subs to be seen, thanks to Arash not turning up, the same team started the second half. At this point the game resembled attacked versus defence, with poor Lovell, Sweatman or Danno alternating in the role of "chap who stands on the half way line and doesn't get the ball at all". Early on a ball was clipped down the right, whipped in, cut back, and placed into the bottom right. Their seventh was very calamitous, and could have actually been worse. The Jagex defence parted like the red sea, allowing a ball to be pinged down the centre. Fardell raced out, and manhandled the striker, who calmly kept going despite the physical attention, and scored. A certain red would have been produced if he'd gone down.

At this point, even the dog walker who had stopped to watch shook his head and walked off. It was that bad. Lovell dropped back to centre back to try and stem the tide, winning a few in the air. Jagex saw a tiny little bit more of the ball - by which I mean we went from seeing "none" to "some".

One of oddest moments I've ever witnessed in Sunday league football then occurred. Danno, clearly frustrated at the shambles around him, went in a little hard on one of their trickier players. The ref blew up, and Manu then picked up the ball, holding it outstretched in both hands, which is the standard European football sign language gesture for, "but Ref, he made contact with the ball before the man, so surely it wasn't foul play". The ref, unmoved, awarded a free kick. Manu belted the ball towards the sky, and the ref produced the inevitable yellow card. Perhaps Manu didn't quite catch the colour of the card that had been brandished in his direction, as he purposefully strode of the pitch, with 20 odd minutes to go, in the direction of the changing rooms. He was last seen heading in the direction of the Dartford Tunnel, possibly never to be seen again.

Being down to 10 men was obviously great news, as we'd done sooooo well with 11 men up to this point.

Bizarrely, we briefly had some fun. Lovell and Crick made up by engaging in a little man hug. Whittaker carried on battling away. Harris once more managed to sneak past a few players and show some creativity. Even Danno and Sweatman had some possession. Warlord then got in another trade mark, extremely heavy challenge/block. The dog walker even briefly returned to watch some more.

Rangers engaged in a little bit of ole football, and finished two more goals from low thumped crosses. Fardell made a reasonable save and came off his line once. The assembled Rangers fans (we didn't bring any fans...), cheered their chaps on, and even brought on a rather porky looking substitute and cheered his every touch.

0-9, the final score. In truth, I'd like to say they didn't deserve it, but they probably did. The game was played in a good spirit, and hands were shaken at the end. Hopefully next week we shall recover, but goodness me our pride is hurt...Sadly, these things sometimes happen in Sunday league football.