Harris Scores (a goal) in Tight Jagex Win

Eastern Counties 2 - 3 Jagex FC

Team - Fardell (GK), Walther, Daz, Henniker-Heaton, Crick, Danno, Simmonds, Harris, Balls, Scottish Dave, Lovell. Subs - Scottish Craig, Dave?

This week saw our first win in what seems like forever, in an away game against Eastern Counties FC in Meldreth. At 9am on match-day, Pete only had 9 players, having lost some to illness and family issues. Using his best guilt tripping skills he made some late calls, including to an invalid Fardell who turned up, chock full of cold and stuffed to the gills with the finest legal pharmaceuticals money can buy. Some of the team ended up on a road to nowhere struggling to find the recreation ground in Meldreth, which they seemed to believe was on the way to Stansted. I swear, without Sat Nav, some people are hopeless in the modern world. If there is an apocalypse, I doubt some of this team could figure out how to make fire, let alone re-create civilisation anew.

The pitch at Meldreth was so free of grass it looked as though it had been targeted by agent orange during the Vietnam war. Add to this that the groundsman had run out of white paint about halfway through de-marking the pitch and the swamp thing like conditions, well let's just say it was a bit ropey. Pre-match we did our best to lose our best balls, including one brand new shiny one that had never been used in anger. Well done, Pete.

Despite being the home team, the opposition managed to turn up incredibly late, and despite being late, insisted on going through a full pre-match warm up routine, including some Tai Chi style stretching. They were a combination of the more aged of Sunday leaguers, and those with youth and hair gel on their side, but no-one really in the middle.

Jagex started on the back foot, as we always seem to do, conceding some early pressure. A couple of minutes into the game though and a breakaway saw Jagex win their first corner. The ball was delivered by Danno, went a couple of inches past the statuesque Counties goalkeeper, and was buried into the net by Jens' forehead.

Jagex retained the ball reasonably well from there on in for much of the rest of the half. Harris, shaking off a hangover, actually played quite well in the centre of the park - this despite telling everyone on Facebook at 4am that he was still wasted. This week is officially his last game, and he will never ever play for us again. Ever. Apparently.  Until he happens to come back to Cambridge to play for us again in a few months' time.

Pete Simmonds, sporting an eternally unfashionable "el gringo" style moustache, was playing a mixed role of starting attacks quarter back style and also being required to defend repeatedly and heavily in many areas of the park, but he was manfully up to the task. Danno looked a little bit ropey on the left at the start - sorry Danno - as he was clearly trying to shake off the after effects of an evening at the venerable Lola Los . Scottish Dave was also being a useful outlet on the right, and is growing into the team nicely following his recent acquisition. If I knew his real name, I'd stop calling him Scottish Dave.

One of the dominating features of the first half, and indeed much of the game, was the general awfulness of the Eastern Counties' referee. He seemed to struggled to remember to blow his whistle when indicating decisions, generally struggled to keep up with play (or indeed watch play), and made a number of really odd decisions. One notable moment from the first half involved a Counties player taking a throw-in with a technique reminiscent of Lasith Malinga, and falling over in the process. This was a legal throw-in, apparently. The poor refereeing led to Jagex committing the immortal sin of not playing to the whistle, with Daz memorably completely stopping still when the ball went out of play in comic fashion, and Counties fashioning and wasting a chance in the process.

A Counties player launched a shot in from 25 yards at one point. Fardell, supremely confident of the size of his goal, allowed the ball to kiss his crossbar before coming back down into his waiting arms. It may have been a bit like this . Blushes spared?

It was nice to have Daz back, alongside Jens. Daz is Northern Irish and, well, let's just say he is very vocal. Jens and Daz both take a loud and agricultural approach to clearances, which is no bad thing. Counties exerted some pressure, with Dan Crick helping cut across and cover wonderfully in defence. A resulting Counties corner saw Fardell come and connect with a hilarious punch, only managing to gently pat the ball down to their onrushing striker, who was clearly so surprised by the course of events, he stepped over the ball. The punching got slightly better later on, honestly. Fardell was also going walkabout in his area a few times, in a strange effort to relieve pressure from his hitherto untroubled defence. In truth, Ben Walther has been on at me for weeks about, 'helping my defenders out' by tearing off my line more, so I followed this advice with suicidal effect a couple of times, and was repeatedly told to "get back in the f%^king goal". I don't feel I can win here....

Balls was playing in the unfamiliar role of central midfield, and released Danno with a perfectly weighted through ball. Danno found himself one-on-one with the Goliath of a keeper, but couldn't find a way through. In truth, the keeper did well. Our new sub, who had kindly volunteered to help out, I can't remember his name so I'll call him Dan, came on in place of Scottish Dave, for a couple of minutes towards the end of the half. Sadly they were a quite traumatic couple of minutes, as he had to go off again with a strained something-or-other, and never returned to the field of play. 

The final action of the first half saw a couple of Counties free kicks. One was stopped from going out by Walther and inadvertently played back to a Counties player. Ben recovered absolutely brilliantly to put a vital block in and send the ball careening away from goal. The other free kick was a comfortable routine save from Fardell, although "comfortable routine save" and "Fardell" don't often sit well in the same sentence.

I remember Lovell being a real nuisance, as he always is, on the right in the first half, but he was much more dominant in the second, so I'll skip his display for the moment in the interest of an attempt at brevity. So, half time, 1-0 to Jagex. This week we had Crick and Lovell in the same team, and you know what that means; terrible half-time banter. This week Crick had really upset the referee, Pete asked him to calm down, and then Dan and Pete went at it like two little boys arguing over whose turn it was to play PlayStation. It never gets old, and at the same time, it's incredibly dull and predictable.

The start of the second half saw Jagex, classically, switch off completely and concede possession to the opposition. Once we'd let them have a go of it, as we seem to feel we must, we won some possession back, and Balls and Danno won a corner. The ball hit the deck in their box, and did it's own little version of pinball wizard, but sadly didn't find the net. Counties came into the game a bit more after that, and only some good tracking and interceptions from Danno, Harris and Simmonds - who had a cracking defensive second half - prevented clear chances arising. A lofted ball to the back stick saw two Counties players and two Jagex players tussling for the ball. Both Counties players went down theatrically. Penalty awarded. I'll be honest, you've seen them given, as everyone was involved in a bit of a tangle, and there were few Jagex protests. From the resultant spot kick, Fardell dived the right way but didn't get near, as it was slotted to his left. 1-1. 

Jens and Daz had to really combine, helped out ably by Crick and Walther, to help stem a resurgent Counties tide at this point, as they really had their blood up for a period. Jagex then exerted some control, in search of the goal we felt we deserved. Very few chances were clear cut, with Danno and Balls both creating presentable chances, but the goalkeeper remained untroubled. Then the goal came.

Daz found himself out the right, and pumped a very high very hopeful ball into the box. For some reason the keeper let it bounce, and predictably it flew over his head. Lovell, steaming in as he always does, absolutely walloped it in for good measure, but it was already over the line. Lovell has been known to court attention in a selfish manner, and this attempted goal theft was classic Pete. One for the dubious goals committee, perhaps, but we're crediting Daz with this one.

Suddenly realising that the Counties' keeper was a bit of a Fardell, Jagex had a few more hopeful digs, although none of any quality. Pete made a real nuisance of himself on the right, and somehow held onto the ball and bounced and trundled his way past three much smaller Counties players to create one wasted chance. Scottish Dave was getting a fair bit of quite rough treatment on the right, probably for having the temerity to skin players and create chances. In search of a third, Jagex pushed on. Thereafter followed some immense tracking back from Danno, when a Jagex corner (usually a sign that, you know, we're on the front foot) somehow ended up in a 4 on 1 Counties attack. If he hadn't covered the 60 odd yards to get back, it would have been down to Fardell to save the day.

The fairytale ending of David Harris' Jagex career (in a football sense) then happened. Danno magically fashioned a lofted chip to Pete Lovell in the left corner. Pete showed quite brilliantly coordinated feet for a big chap, and dinked a splendid cross to the back post, where David "Currysnorter" Harris buried a header in the manner of Nicholas Bendtner. Pete Lovell even then gave him the opportunity to cherish this precious moment, by subbing him off for Scottish Craig, allowing him a moment to savour the applause of the assembled fans.

Shortly after this Craig and Simmonds combined to help put Balls clean through on goal. Balls sadly found the onrushing form of the keeper was so large it blotted out the goal, and most of the sun, so he was unable to see where to direct the ball. A couple of counties free kicks were earned and well cleared, with Fardell punching one well clear. Another corner saw the ball ping around in the box and a Counties player let rip with a bit of a thunder bastard of a half volley, which Fardell did well to hold onto. Craig helped create a few chances down the left. Danno had really helped out defensively, and had to come off after one too many kicks on the shins, to be replaced by Harris for the final stretch. 

Eastern Counties FC then brought on a substitute with a large bushy beard who looked slightly old. Daz, sensing that this chap wouldn't be the toughest to mark shouted out, "It's ok lads, I'll get Rolf Harris". In truth, if the guy had come on with a wobble board and and sung, "tie my kangaroo down sport", he would have had more of an impact on proceedings. However, he did get to witness the goal that heralded the arrival of squeaky bum time. Jagex tried about 10 times to clear a loose ball in the box, and a Counties player shot through Daz's legs, with the ball nestling in the corner.

At this we collapsed a bit, and some late faffing from various players saw us try and give Counties a point. Jens intercepted a few. Crick helped out well. Simmonds and Scottish Dave both had cracking defensive efforts late on in the second half, really helping out when we were backs against the wall. Even Lovell was seen defending, imagine that.The pressure was finally relieved by Walther absolutely tonking a clearance down the right to bring the final whistle. And so it ended.

Finally, a word of thanks to Kelly Walther Lovell for turning up and cheering us on. We may not have many fans, but the ones we do have are very welcome.